Why Does Setting Boundaries Feel So Difficult?

 

There can be many factors that come into play when we talk about why setting boundaries and saying no feels so tough.  Here are some examples:

 

• We suffer from Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria – this leads us to become overly afraid of disappointing others. We may be afraid that if we say “no”, we will be rejected.
• We are an impulsive lot.  When faced with an idea or project someone is excited about – we get swept up in the excitement and say yes to things before thinking it through.
• We are truly interested in so many things. Sometimes we are truly excited about many things and find it difficult to set boundaries with ourselves and our time.
• We definitely struggle with FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out)
• On top of all that, because of executive function challenges we have a tough time prioritizing.

 

The Cost Of Saying Yes Too Much.

 

The problem with loosey-goosey boundaries is that they come with a cost. Or several costs. Here are a few ways that not having firm boundaries and saying yes too often can have:

 

• Burnout from overcommitment – When we burn out, we tend to do it spectacularly – this leads to exhaustion, depression, anxiety, withdrawal, and more.
• The reality that we have time blindness and may actually not have the time to commit that we already committed.
• The build up of resentment from putting other people before ourselves.
• When we say yes to the wrong things, we are saying “no” to ourselves.  What could we be spending that time or energy on that would serve us better?

 

 

ADHD Friendly Strategies For Setting Boundaries

 

Here are a few basic tips for setting boundaries you can stick to.

 

• Practice The Pause – I say this often. Practice stopping for a moment before commiting to something. Practice saying, “let me think about it” or “Let me check my calendar” to give yourself some time to think it through.
• Practice Boundary Scripts – These are examples of polite and firm ways to say no, like  “I am unable to commit to that at the moment but I appreciate the invitation.”
• Capacity Check – make sure you have a visual way of tracking your commitments – a planner or white board that will help you keep track of what is realistic.
• Consider your goals.  If you are working toward a goal, ask yourself if taking on this commitment will help or hinder your progress on your goal.
• Check Your Energy/Excitement. If you are being asked to do something or take something new on, consider if you will enjoy doing it. Consider if you have the energy – realistically – to take this on. 

 

Handling Guilt and People Pushing Back

 

Okay so setting the boundaries isn’t the hard part.  Doing so without feeling guilty is the hard part. And dealing with people pushing back triggers our guilt.  So here’s some tips to handling guilt.

 

• Try to reframe saying “no” in your mind as self care, not selfishness
• Understand that someone might be disappointed, or even angry, but that’s okay.
• When you feel yourself starting to feel guilty, try self compassion and reminding yourself of your priorities.
• Try to handle boundary bulldozers with firm and calm repetition. 
• Remember that “no” is a full sentence. 
• Know when a situation is toxic and when it is time to walk away.

 

 

 

Now Is The Time!  

 

Just to recap – boundaries are an act of self-care, not selfishness.

It may not come easily at first, but the more you practice, the easier it gets. 

Remember that saying no to the wrong things makes room for the right ones. 

Try setting one small boundary this week and see how it feels.

If you want extra help, book a free discovery call and let’s see how we can work together.

 

Book Today

 

Questions? Feel free to send me an email at Kat@AllBelong.com and let’s chat!